'I am the greatest footballer ever! No one can score freekicks like me. I even manage to get 1/20 of them on target. My trick is to kick them straight and really really hard. No one has ever thought of that before! The world class keepers at Stoke and Sporting have no other choice but to jump out of the way. I'm amazing.'
'Pfffffffffft seriously. I just scored another brace against a team battling relegation who were reduced to 10 men at Old Trafford. I am Hercules!'
'Why do I even bother turning up? This is just too easy. Today. Derby County, next week Reading. With this golden boot I have changed football.'
'ARGH!!!! REF!!! REF!!!! I'm being assaulted by gravity!!!'
'ROONEY YOU @$#%^)*#$@)* @#)$%@ @#$% HOW DARE YOU SHOOT THE BALL WHEN I WAS SOMEWHAT OPEN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BOX!!!! CARRICK YOU @#$%#$!@% @!#$ THAT LAST PASS WAS NOT TO MY LIKING!!! I'M JUST GONNA WAVE MY HANDS IN THE AIR AND CRY FOR THE NEXT 10 MINUTES!!! SERIOUSLY GUYS YOUR ROLE IN LIFE IS TO SET ME UP FOR TAP-INS, NOTHING MORE, DEAL WITH IT!!!'
'OH YEAH! West Brom didn't see that coming! Get lost Giggs what do you think this is? No I will now acknowledge you, this is the Cristiano Ronaldo show.'
'Here we go! I'm the greatest player in the . . . WHAT THE!!!!! WHAT WAS THAT! THAT NEVER HAPPENS AGAINST CHARLTON AND SHEFFIELD UNITED!!! NO FAIR!!! REF REF!!!! FERGIE!!! I WANT SOME MORE PROTECTION!!!!!'
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